But yet he refused to leave. In reality he was seeing the OW again and he did not believe he needed it. However it is difficult to reason or make progress while the fog and/or affair continues. I know he thinks im being fake and im just letting this all happen bc I want him back, but I think hes starting to pick up on me doing things for myself. Thank you again for sharing your stories! So we will just keep going. Because it is not a M. Thats for sure. Yesterday, he said to me that he had been invited to a concert Saturday night, and I said oh why didnt you go? A view from the other side - Various Fog stories His affair had nothing to do with me or our marriage. I told him it seems much more like he wants the bar life. Said he promised to get better about helping with bills, promised to finish the work around the house he started months ago, told me he was absolutely terrified about losing our marriage. He had just gotten his first smart phone in September, and I had stalled that as long as possible, as I had feared something like this. He commits to reconciliation and helping you heal AND being the guy you married. And a happy emotionally stable parent alone is better than the hell you are living in now. Please know it is typical cheater behavior. He doesnt even see it, he doesnt even see all the things were missing out on as a family bc of him. But in an altered state they believe they are fine. If you dont do it now you will have given up your power to him. Out of interest IOtheMoon, where are you now? I then realized it never ever had anything to do with me. When were home together and hanging out, things are fine. They may think they won. No! I make sure I am in control off my life. My biggest fear is that what im doing is somehow wrong and will come back to bite me for being so nice and giving him so much freedom. I feel a tight pain in my chest, im finding it hard to breathe and I cannot focus. What is that about? The first will not work unless he decides to do the necessary work. You need to know WHO is leaving the house, you need to have a plan on some custody and visitation schedules, etc. But at this juncture you dont have much of a choice. And I admit to my flaws, but its hard to look back at those flaws when im sitting here dealing with a man who had another RELATIONSHIP during our marriage. NOW is the time to get strong and assert yourself. Last night he went out with friends after work and came home very late and I was irritate but tried to just let it go. I mean its not like we ever hug or anything like that, but we chat, we get the baby ready for bed, we sleep in the same bed. And honestly, part of me is like who the hell cares. I too feel strongly Im doing the right thing. He may be saying Im not talking to the OW but hes not saying who he is talking to until 2 am. Some spouses (women included) do not grow up and mature after they have children. Just like an alcoholic will do whatever is necessary to get alcohol, the same is true for a cheater. I think im just going to tell him about it and say if he would like to join us we would love it, but I have a feeling he isnt going to and then im going to take it personally. Then, you started acting like This, so what all is there to know?. There may be many OW not just the one he is no longer talking to. But the 180 specifically says no matter HOW you feel today, do not show it. I would hope he would change his mind, but I just cant beg. That is your next step after plan B is in place. Thats why I love this blog. You deserve better. It has been the most difficult time in my entire life. If you no longer want him to hang out in bars w/out you present, then you need to clearly state that during MC or in your talks to him. And he is so happy to still be part of this family he doesnt care or complain. You remove yourself from his manipulative behavior. I can tell you I wa lucky they did for me. Best to you. Imagine how awful that was calling the OW and asking for answers as to why your H is acting crazy. Mine was 29yo OW when my H celebrated his 50th. Sorry to say. They can tell the OW/OM the A is over. I begged and apologized. Regardless, I will no longer be a doormat. It is SO BIZARRE. I think thats all part of it. It took me 20+ years to get my H to see that his behavior was disrespectful. And he CONSTANTLY asks me if I want to go do something with my friends and he will keep the baby. I felt like I could do anything bc we just supported eachother and we had eachother no matter what. Which I get bc I feel the same way. If not, you could continue to prolong the fog. But everyday I think to myself, I would probably be better off alone right now. Yes! And 2-3 days later he would tell me he wasnt sure what he wanted. But im afraid that if I let him go again, he will finally be done and not try. She would just stare at them and never say a word. I outed his whores on their Facebook pages I had nothing to hide or lie about funny they shut down their pages as if that changed what they did or how nasty they were to me . You might want to have that talk with him and explain with the situation the way it is she may begin to think its normal to be miserable because one parent is conflicted and cannot seem to grow up Just dont put your life on hold for him anymore You are better than that and so is your daughter! I feel like im just being chipped away every day. You tell him that you have noticed that he is not willing to be a family. But I think that even if it would have transpired and you would have left, or I would have left, or whatever, I think probably in two days time, I would have been crawling back with my tail between my legs because reality would have hit big time. We had sex almost every single day, but for one serious shower day, when She could stay clean for 24 hours at least during the week. He is trying to have you and the OW and it appears from all the back and forth he doesnt know what he wants. Then everything started to make sense. It was a combination of things. I very rarely said no to him to being out with his friends without me. Which is what happened at DDay2 for me. Or should I try to just not be around him and let him know im mad and skeptical and dont trust him and know I deserve more. Creston They begin to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. When he was telling me how wonderful our marriage was after DDay 1 and what a fool he was and how much he loved me, I believed it all. He is being selfish. We were cordial, didnt say much to eachother. During the week im usually still awake when he gets home, he will usually get home right before we put the baby down for bed. He accuses me of hiding my phone from him, as if IM DOING SOMETHING WRONG, when he hides his phone morning to night. Suggestion on a new approach: speak with a professional. We arent loving to one another, we arent affectionate in any way, its just got to be making things worse and worse. You have to be willing to face a possible second dday. in the comment section below. Sorry and just to add, because she doesnt trust him, he is going above and beyond to prove his love for her, posting it all over his social media, that his kids can see if they paid attention. Lol. He doesnt want to help you in any way. No argument. Last year I lost and then gained 30lbs. K. You are doing fine!!! Yup Yup and Yup. The A fog (the state yiur H is in) will make you crazy. But there was nothing I could say or do to change his thinking or behavior. I think he had probably gone to the bar for a drink or 2 which again, I dont mind in moderation, but he was happy and nice. But he will never bring himself to admit that because all his allies have validated him based on his lies, that everything is my fault. I know if I cut him off emotionally from me completely he would prob struggle, whether or not he would admit it like he did before I dont know, but I know he would feel it. This went on for years. F*ck 40: Lifting the Midlife Fog After Milestone Birthday February 7, 2018by Tobin Walsh The 40thbirthday party my wife threw for me was legendary the next days massive hangover being evidence enough. I told him he no longer had any decision making ability when it came to me and I was D him. With all my might!! I feel if she did this we could rebuild a strong relationship. I didnt think I was being needy at all, but after reading somethings I see that thats exactly how ive been. No caring respectable H does that and I would venture to say the OW has been lurking in your M the past few months. I am in my 3rd day of respecting my girlfriends wish to give her space.she is having a affair with a guy that is more than 1000kms away. and he was done being married. I love him so much. Yes it might be indeed. She had made a regular hole in our sex schedule to accommodate him! WebMidlife Crisis: When The Fog Lifts, What Happens Next If your partner is going through a midlife crisis, youre probably anxious for signs that theyre coming out of midlife crisis Everyone thinks im great and we are a fantastic couple so I guess thats good. Stay strong. (He has ED, so..). As you all have experienced this pain, no need to go into great detail. Doubtful your leaving would have stopped the affair. I certainly included that in there, as well. I want to be this busy person ive always been and do all these things, but im realizing that I did all those things before bc I felt so secure in my life having him as a husband. Any advice will be appreciated, thank you. One of the main characteristics of a midlife crisis is the recognition that you're getting older, often with some negative feelings attached to it. He may try to blame you. Even though he kept telling me how great our marriage was and how happy he was he asked for a divorce. Its not real. he can live whatever life he wants, and for some reason it does make me feel better. Continue to be supportive of her but stop begging her to do anything as you can see that isnt working. He comes to see the baby and not you AND the baby. He doesnt have to deal with any sort of reality of life with her because everything is still virtual. Not any more. Further damage is done by having to struggle through getting the truth. I think when he goes out of town my mind goes WILD. And now he says he has been trying to, but honestly I do not see that at all. Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. We BS call it the cheaters manual b/c the behavior is so darn predictable. That is your reward. I feel like im losing my mind. I didnt even think about the possibility of her having an affair. You are not going to change him. It was definitely the biggest argument we have had in a long time. I read something by Jack Ito, one of the many articles I have found over the last 7 months that seems to help. I cant even BELIEVE it has been so many months of dealing with this. And If I keep kicking him out and letting him back im like the boy who cried wolf. I am willing to continue going through this hell if eventually I can continue spending my life with the man I love. They are blinded by the reality of who the other man or woman really is. Now he claims he never mean it and he was only trying to take her to the bed (yeah like if that was easier to eat). Trying to help them. On the upside, later I talked about how all of those there were married, except a widow, sadly single, and his wicked divorced female cousin. Your issues are more than just the A. You have told him how you felt and what you expect. So yes at DDay2 I told my H I was D him. Hes happy b/c he can continue to disrespect you and your M. And if he wants some fun or conversation from you he knows he will get it. I thought he was on drugs at DDay 2. It is powerful. I just cant figure out why Im regressing in my emotional state. Then after a month or so of that (or maybe 2, I dont even remember at this point) he said he wanted to start staying the night to help me more, which happened to be after I told him I was moving on with or without him. Its good to have a place to unload. Doug: In our situation, in your opinion, what do you think really worked as far as getting me out of the fog? Not any more. The coach tells my H, not many women would put up with H still working with OW (YeaIm a patsy ). No way. Maybe I should give myself a time limit of trying the 180 FULL FORCE, and if nothing changes after a month or so maybe I need to tell him to leave, if by then he hasnt. I hope it does for your H. Before it is too late. When im starting to think none of this is even about me really. In your case your H wants a M on his terms. (Ive told you this so im sure I sound like a broken record) and then I let him come back home and the whole cycle started again of us slowly morphing back into our relationship and he gets scared saying its going too fast and hes afraid everything will go right back to what it was. Its good to know that Im not alone in this. For two months I acted controlled and transparent. I think at first he definitely wanted me to end it so he wouldnt feel bad about what he was doing, but now part of me feels like if I end it he will be angry but then a little sad and then just go out and find someone else. You will never trust the cheater 100% but you can reconcile and trust 98%. I became my mother. I think its harder for him to disconnect from her because he is totally having his cake and eating it too. We got into a massive fight prior to me doing the 180, I think i told you about it, and he texted me after saying we have to end this, you are too impatient and youll never be convinced im not talking to that girl.I never asked what he meant by me being impatient, but I think he basically just wants time to decide what he wants. But 5 years later after DDay we have a great M. None of the past issues have resurfaced. He is acting like a typical cheater. unfortunately you were heading down this path. There are all kinds of repercussions for these things, and none of them are really good. But the thing to take into consideration is that after D-day we go into a type of fog ourselves. He said he didnt want a D. He said he was confused. I know we are not working towards reconciliation right now, but I am not living in the same home with him if he is speaking with other women. Ive been working in the office for a new site launch at work and it feels good to be with people, but everyday around 1-2pm I would get VERY emotional. I want to be me. He is just st the point of no return and the fact he threw in the towel so easily is not a good sign. He loves our daughter more than ANYTHING and I know that, and he knows he is a good dad but he also chooses to go out a lot and stay out until 3am and then claim he has no freedom. I always look back on the fog, having come out of it, and say WOW. And because of all those lies, they cant even reason with him about everything he is giving up. No yelling. What have I done here?. He wanted what he wanted. I need to do the 180 and completely stick to it. I did not over react. Please trust me on this (and everyone else here who would give you the same advice). I am in disbelief this is happening to me because my kids are so normal and good. midlife crisis when the fog lifts - akersmmm.com I tell him its not appropriate. Last week I had a suspicion that he was continuing to talk to the OW, and I had a minor blow up. Dont we wish we could go back and have a do over. Im serious on that sorry to say. I told him thats fine, do what he needs to do and ill sign. Its just rude, and he knows that, but he twists it all up and justifies everything he does. But you man up and be real. You know he is unreliable. The affair fog is a mighty grip On reality for the cheater. I say this b/c the few people that know about his affair would have bet $1mil he would never be that guy who cheated. If I feel this way, I am sure he feels this way x10. The First Wife Unfortunately that is the truth. How is he rewriting history SO much and saying these things and feeling ok about it? Even if its wrong. Let them talk. I really no longer cared. He married you. Midlife Crisis You lose all credibility and power. What is terrible is that your H is keeping you in limbo and not putting his M or you first. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. Which in my head makes me think hes telling OW like ya im at the house for the baby but I sleep on the couch. What Is a Midlife Crisis: Signs, Causes And How To Cope With It Worry about what YOU need to do in these 24 hoursI wake up and read the 180 instructions almost daily just to motivate myself. And when I get sick and tired of it, I will plan my next move then. WebThe Real Roots of Midlife Crisis The Atlantic | December 2014 T HIS summer, a friend called in a state of unhappy perplexity. (I Believe) this has been going on for about 5 months. In one session, Jeffshares his view of the affair fog and how both the betrayed spouse and the unfaithful spouse can deal with it, while we asked questions and shared some of our experiences. I wonder, if/when the fog clears, how do you lay a new foundation of trust in the age of smartphones and computers? Honestly, I tried to even make it a better life than what we had. He was nice during that time, as a matter of fact hes always been nice. I wish I had walked out in the first 60 to 90 days of his online obsession affair with someone else. And I left the room. My CH knew the affairs were wrong and hurtful, but couldnt see the harm in keeping a young, 20 something friend. Even if illegal or in our case, immoral and against the M. The stupid thing is my H was ready to run off into Fantasyland with the OW. Our only contact is when he asks to see our preschooler, once every few months. I had an excellent therapist but I was sure he was leaving and I had no $ and children. But then I think about the OW and its like everything comes crumbling down around me. 4. Hahaha so for 30 years I treated you like a king with love and respect b/c I wanted to spite my parents? I kid you not!!! How im SO insecure now when I never was before. It is not about control. Also including the fact he carried out other basic lies for so long, I eventually came to the point where I will never be able to believe he was faithful, even though he has never wavered from saying he felt anything for her, he has never admitted to anything I dont have black and white tangible evidence of, such as phone records, just left me feeling that if I cant prove it, I know he wont admit it, honest as he seems to be now. trouble is the tunnel He goes out till all hours and doesnt tell you. Document everything including his abandonment of you and kids. I never mentioned it again. I know I was feeling that way, even though when were together its nice, the minute he would leave I just felt crazy. I would not give him a divorce so easy. He gets his head out of his butt and realizes what he has done. He said he loved her, but I didnt see hesitation in him leaving the OW. Turns out that was all a ploy to get me off the scent. I am assuming he means that I want things to go back to how they were too quickly. You tell him you know he is lying and that you are expecting this conversation to be honest and truthful. In addition, I have been trying so hard that I have told her that she can keep her AP and her family too. NO YELLING! Stonewalled and denied the entire time. But this didnt fit the classic fog charateristics either. Im saying you change by re-defining your marriage. I have always been the one person in his life thats a complete constant. But had you left you would not have had to watch the affair continue for years. I think you may have been the best thing to happen to me right now. You dont cheat. Then she set her sights on my husband and he was totally infatuated. He is supposed to move in with me in a few months and I dont know how that will work. I dont call him a liar. You can also subscribe without commenting. Trust me I know what you are going through. Its more him having these perceptions of me and the outside world, totally different then he used to. If you are telling me how perfect our marriage is and how happy you are and you are cheating I think that says a lot about the cheater. Hang in there. My husband was always extremely faithful, and during my pregnancy he took a job in another city and would come home on weekends, etc. I want to prove to him I can make changes on my end, but he doesnt seem to want to prove to me that I can trust him again. I know that HE has to be the one to want it, HE has to be the one to want to reconnect with me, I know I cannot make him want that, and any effort to make him want that is only going to push him away. And its these thoughts that deter me from the 180, bc when I have thoughts like this I just want to tell him he should go. Given that you have some assets, you may want to protect them from him. And her H knows she means it. A team player. I would suggest that you stop trying to get her back and instead focus your energies on yourself. Think of the affair like an addiction. His affair resumed 6 weeks later with same OW and in 2 months asked for divorce. But I just feel like ive been CONSTANTLY given the shit end of the stick. We continued on but his trust issues just went out of control and I resent him everytime he thinks im cheating and everytime he accuses me of cheating, it drives me to go cheat. Walked out to my car, started looking at them and thought I throw up right then and there. I just dont know how much longer this can last. Continue trying to do your own thing. After a couple of months, if theyre still continuing the affair and in the fog, you have to start changing your behavior somehow. He may never want to work on us, especially if we continue life how it is right now. Best possible given the home you are in. Is sick of me accusing him, said I made him leave the house and hes out and he doesnt care anymore, etc etc. It's when they have lost their home, friends, family, and above all else self respect. Just remember he is addicted to his new lifestyle. He was getting out. BUT if he chooses to lie then the conversation is over. And if he leaves you or you separate or D it is his choice. I never thought my life could take this kind of turn, and when it took this turn, I NEVER thought that this many months later I would still be in a position of heading towards divorce, when I know thats not what I want, but I fear he will do it just bc he doesnt know how to fix it and doesnt want to right now. I am not stopping you. Sometimes I see it and sometimes im like woah who is this. No matter the outcome you will look back and be glad you did. Dopamine, The issue w/ my H was he would tell me be home by 12 pm and show up at 3 am with no call or courtesy. Get him to do it and dont answer any questions about where youre going. Its RUDE to go out all night and not even inform me when we live in the same house and im at home raising the baby. He told me sunday I shouldnt make him dinner, I shouldnt do his laundry, he can handle it all himself. She is probably not better than you. I dont know how this has happened. I found out (6 months pregnant) that he was having an affair. He was not looking for ego boosts from others. But looking back, the thing that I did that I shouldnt have done was I never stopped telling you that I loved you, and that I wanted to be with you. I cant prove it and if I go looking ill drive myself insane and thats not fair to me. I hope you can see this. I dont seem to know how to achieve and stick to ONE thing. WTF!! But he was very adament they are not speaking. Second was he was proving he was changing. Given that he has no job right now hes not able to pay you child support or alimony. I just want my husband back. I keep drawing back to all the good memories and it makes me sad that my kids have such a dysfunctional secretive father who is likely now showing his true colours. The old line love you but not in love with you. Just know you cannot change him. It his pattern. And BTW this is all going to come back to him. I was stronger when this first started. The stress and anxiety was hard to face. I bought the book Divorce Busting, and I started reading it last night. He will have his freedom now to do whatever he wants, answer to no one, and im TERRIFIED he will love it. Years ago I could barely make it through an hour without crying. Its going to take time. I was calm and practical and told him if he does not want to be married any more (after 25 years) feel free to go. Thank you SO MUCH for your response. It was so romantic. Am I making myself too available? I learned this the HARD way during my Hs A. I thought (like you) that I could change him. Plan B. You rug sweep his A, never again ask questions, allow him to wander in at all hours of the morning and expect no answers about where he has been etc.
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